Turning 40

There I said it. I'm now the proud member of the elite club of those who have passed the ThirtySomething stage and headed straight into the oblivion of their 40's. This blog began as a way to reconnect with myself and to reach out to others who might be clueless as to who they really are.

We get so stuck in the throws of what society, our families and even friends think we should be. I've been stuck there myself. My life was planned out in my head...go to college, find my soul mate, get married, get a job, have kids and live happily ever after. But that hasn't happened.

For the longest time instead of thinking there might be a higher calling at work here, the assumption that I was the defunct one in life's medley cast of characters began to override my thoughts. Over 30, not married, no kids, no career to speak of and hating my life. That's not to say there hasn't been opportunity.  With engagements I knew in my heart that weren't the right match, as well as career advancements that followed the wallet and not heart, the calling for something more continued to guide my choices.  What that "something more" might be, I have no idea.  But I'm willing to trust that God has a plan that I can't quite see yet.

So after avoiding this blog for many months, I'm now turning inward again and bearing my soul, warts and all.

For some reason turning 30 was much harder. At that time the main focus of my days was to care for my Grandmother who just had a stroke. But somewhere amongst the desperation that my life was heading straight off a cliff, I had the big dream of starting a business. That dream helped to bridge the gap of days and weeks with no sleep. But instead of embracing this new gift of service to my Grandmother and using it as a catalyst to hone that dream, I began to feel my life slipping away. My life now became her life.

I knew deep down inside being there for her was where I needed to be, but on the other side anger began to well deep within my soul. Not at Grandmother, but at other family members who seemed to turn a blind eye to the needs of her new circumstance. Mother saw Grandmother's fragile state and the fear in her eyes. Mom wanted to make sure Grandmother was cared for in every way because in her heart honoring her Mother was first and foremost the most important thing...and it took a toll.

Inside I was angry at my Mother for not holding other family members accountable. I was angry that she had no boundaries and gave everything she had with nothing left for herself. Mom compromised her health and happiness, but did it because she felt deep within her heart it was the right thing to do. She gave her all for the sake of another...the Mother she loved. Mom never asked me to help, but I knew she couldn't do it alone. So I stepped in and let go of my own dreams...for the time being.

I was also angry at myself for being angry. Is that really possible? How could I be upset with my Mom, a compassionate woman answering the calling of her spirit to honor her own mother?!! It didn't make sense to me. I loved being with Grandmother and the moments we shared. I learned so much about her, her life experiences, her own dreams, and in turn learned a lot about myself. There was so much sacredness in the time we shared, but utter exhaustion, no support system and the dwindling health of Mom and myself began to cloud that sacredness. I know those who are caring for an elderly family member can totally understand this. You so badly want to be there, but physically it's impossible.

After 10 years I had gained about 150 pounds, my blood pressure was skyrocketing with each breath taken and Mom was on the brink of something we couldn't yet perceive. But amongst the feelings of hopelessness there was healing. This time of isolation proved to be a training ground for my soul. I don't think I passed with flying colors, and to be honest it was quite messy at times. Some days it was just about making it through and other days offered an abundance of magic and love. But through it all God was guiding me back to the person I lost several years prior. The person I would need to fall in love with all over again in order to make the dreams within my heart come to life.